Prompt: Melody
by HarrowingEncounters
Summary: ORIGINS; ONE SHOT: Jowan/F!Surana. Written to the prompt "Melody"


Jowan's awoke suddenly, brow was slick with sweat. His eyes were wild with panic as he looked around, confused. His eyes settled on Surana, who sat at the other end of the tent near the candle writing what was probably a letter. Jowan let out a harsh sigh as his mind collected itself. He was in camp. He had fallen asleep in Surana's tent after talking for a long while. The dreams, whatever they had been, were mere shreds of emotion by the time he had gathered himself fully.

"I didn't know if I should wake you…" Surana said, somewhat distantly. She didn't look at him. In the quiet of the tent, as he had tossed and turned, she heard him calling out softly for Lily.

Jowan sat up, his left hand ached. The scar carved deeply into his palm was a symbolic mark of every mistake he had ever made, and a reminder of every regret he held festering within himself. He regarded his hand with a mixture of disgust and sorrow before dropping it. When he glanced up, he was surprised to find Surana looking at him over her shoulder.

"Will you be okay now?" She asked. She wasn't sure why she felt so… hurt. But it was a small wound that she ignored for the time being. Surana knew that he had loved Lily with everything he had, and realized that in her memories of Jowan, his smile was always brightest when he spoke of his love for her. She loved Niall still, why shouldn't Jowan also still love Lily?

Jowan watched her, hugging her knees. Her posture seemed so…defensive and closed. He wondered if something had happened. He reached out to touch her shoulder, feeling her stiffen a bit under his fingertips. _What?_ Was she mad at _him?_ Had he done something? "Surana?"

"Yes Jowan?" She didn't look at him.

"What did I do _wrong?_"

Her only reply was silence, and he found himself getting angry. Not at _her_, but at the same time _yes at her_. What was _wrong_ with women? Why didn't they just speak their minds?

"Surana. What _is it?_" Jowan didn't mean for his words to have such an _edge_ to them, but he was irritated. He felt it showing on his face. When she still didn't reply, he gripped her shoulders and turned her to face him—his expression softened immediately into guilt when he realized she was crying. "I—Surana? Surana, I'm sorry… What is it? I—Surana, I'm sorry. I'm sorry… Whatever it is, I'm so sorry." He encircled her with his arms and pulled her close.

"I dunno what's wrong J-Jowan," She finally whispered. It came out strangled because she was holding back sobs. Surana felt his hand making clumsy circles on her back as he continued to apologize. Somehow, that hurt her too. Of all the things she didn't want, it was to be selfish. She finally looked up at him, her eyes red with the strain she was putting into holding back, "I'm sorry I can't bring Lily back to you."

Jowan couldn't have looked more shocked if she had struck him across the face. With the mention of Lily's name, fragments of his dream came back. Images of Lily's face, her smile, the way she stood with her hip cocked just so, all rose in his mind. He felt an immense guilt settle on his shoulders as he held Surana in his arms. He stared down at the top of Surana's head, her face was buried in his chest, speechless. It was like she was pulling away from him—that the barrier that was LILY had found its way between them.

No. That was wrong. That barrier had always been there. It was just something he had never acknowledged. _Or, pointedly ignored_. But they couldn't _not_ think about it. The past and the could-have-beens. He recalled every time his body felt stung when Surana fiddled with the ring she wore on a chain around her neck. Meant for fingers much larger than her own, Niall's memory hung like a noose around her neck and heart. Whenever Jowan kissed her, and his hands caught on the chain, his mind and heart would give pause. It was like a wasp's sting, small, but enough of them could be immensely painful. He knew Surana blamed herself for Niall's death, just as she was blaming herself for something as stupid as this. She could never have changed Lily's mind. Lily was her own person, and had her own will—and no matter how much Jowan had loved… did love her… it wouldn't change things.

"Surana," He said, gently, "No one can change Lily's mind except Lily herself." It was true, though it sounded a little hollow to his ears to admit it. Surana still didn't look at him, so he slid two fingers under her chin. What sort of ungrateful wretch would he be to cast something so fragile away for the sake of a painful memory?

Surana looked up to see a soft smile on his lips.

Jowan placed his other hand on her cheek, brushing her face with his thumb. His smile broadened as she sniffled. Her nose was red and her eyes were beginning to look a little puffy, but her tears seemed to be drying. Jowan blinked when she reached up to stroke his cheek with uncertain fingertips. He leaned into her touch, his smile becoming more closed and intimate. If there was a way he could show her that, in this moment, he cherished what they had together he wanted to do it.

"Hey," He said. He pulled his hands away from her, folding them tamely in his lap. Her hand was gentle and warm against his cheek.

Surana felt a sudden shyness come upon her but resisted breaking eye contact. Jowan was nuzzling into her hand, his eyes still locked with hers. "Hi…" She replied, quietly.

Jowan turned his face into her palm and laid a kiss in the center. He could see her blushing, her eyes fighting to look back at him.

Surana felt herself timid under Jowan's scrutiny. The way he was looking into her eyes made her tremble somewhere deep down inside of herself. It was like he was seeing _only her_ in this moment. She felt a strange, almost twisting fear in her that had nothing to do with pain or hurt and everything to do with letting him in. To throw open the shadowed places of her heart and let his light in… the prospect seemed terrifying and yet… Shyly, Surana raised her other hand to his face, her palm smoothing over the roughness of his jaw.

His eyes remained level with hers as she got up on her knees, searching his eyes. What did she see, he wondered, but let the thought drift away. Her palms were placed delicately on either side of his face. Jowan felt her thumbs curiously explore the curve of his cheekbones, his eyebrows. He closed his eyes as she traced softly over his eyelids. He felt so…calm.

Fingertips sliding gently down his face, Surana paused to examine his jaw line. She had never stopped to examine how masculine it was, lined with stubble and somewhat sharp. Jowan's face was not traditionally handsome like Alistiar's features, but she found that somehow Jowan was the more attractive of the two. There was a spot just at the curve of his chin and lips where some of the stubble was a little longer. Apparently, he had missed the spot shaving. Her eyes traveled up, the tired lines at the corners of his mouth, his nose, his high cheekbones. When her examination of his face brought her gaze back to his eyes she was a little startled to find them watching her; grey and alert. They had gone the color of storm clouds.

Jowan smiled a little, as Surana dropped her gaze demurely. He had been watching her look at him. She had smiled at some point, and scrutinized at others. But the whole time there had been a sense of curiosity, as she looked at him with a new sight. Her fingertips just barely rested upon either side of his jaw line, a feather touch. Their eyes met again and he held her gaze.

Surana felt the last of the fear melting away as she looked into his eyes. Even when they were young she had always thought that it was the most remarkable thing that his eyes changed colors sometimes. When he was angry, they would turn almost white. Sadness would make them a steely blue and when he was happy or content they would change to the color of a stormy sky. She saw the sincerity in his face and could find no reason to be afraid.

Jowan lost focus of her face as she rested her forehead against his, her eyes closed. He closed his own, focusing instead on the feeling of their closeness. The pressure of her fingertips on his jaw increased slightly and her hair brushed against his face. He waited, the lightest quirk of a smile twitching at the corners of his mouth. Her breath sighed lightly against his mouth and then, delicately, tentatively, the warmth of her lips pressed against his. He drew in a breath, returning the pressure. He brought his hands to her hips and rested them there.

Surana's hands slid into Jowan's hair, but the kiss remained delicate. Jowan smelled of crushed pine-needles and _Jowan_, and the scent of wood smoke was in his hair and on his clothes. Surana took a deep breath and let go of her sorrows and worries for a time. In his arms she felt a sense of safety she had not known since she had left Circle Tower. His hair was warm between her fingers, his lips caressing hers so very carefully. She felt his hand slide lightly up her back and rest between her shoulder blades, and reveled in his touch.

Jowan got up on his knees to take more or a lead. He dipped her slightly, his arms around her. The realization dawned on him that he wanted to support her—to hold her in the storms they would surely have to face together. Her fingers threaded through his hair, a sigh escaping her when they paused to breathe. Her face looked…content. He kissed her again. Jowan wouldn't leave her in the dark, however tempting the shades of despair called to him. He squeezed her against himself briefly.

They parted, eyes bright, and a laugh bubbled out of Surana. Jowan's expression was questioning.

She raised a hand to her lips, blushing somewhat coyly. "My mouth is a little burned." She laughed when Jowan looked taken aback.

He ran a hand over his face with a slightly sheepish cough, "I… I should probably try to shave a little closer in the future, huh."

"No." Surana said. Jowan thought her smile radiant. She dropped her hand away from her face, "I don't mind. Because, you wouldn't be my Jowan if you weren't at least a little scruffy."

Reaching out, Jowan plucked her hand from her lap and kissed her knuckles. She was smiling at him as if she couldn't stop. He found himself smiling back. _My Jowan,_ she had said. The sound rang nicely in his ears.

Fingers interlaced, they lay down on Surana's sleeping furs and listened to the melody of Leliana's lute floating past the tent entrance. They dozed, dreamily content.


End file.
